Post 22

PURPLE. This was both our favourite colour. I remember when he wanted to buy a place in Hammersmith for Finchley. he wanted to decorate the place purple and white. I need this man back. God. Please. Give him that.

M***** is my life right now and I don't know who to tell or how to tell them. I keep dreaming about the moment that he would come back into my life. In one nightmare, he had a new girlfriend. I keep this pain locked up inside of me the man that I want to spend my life with is oblivious to how I feel about him. Does he love me? I will pay all the money in the world to have him back. He is my breath, my heart, my entire reason for living. The only reason I am still alive is because there is a fifty percent chance I can have him back, and he will be my husband. I must fight for him. I am fighting every day for him. With my feelings. Trying to go through the day without anyone noticing my pain. I have an urge to call and text M*****, but I have that fear of finding out that he has moved on. Reading through the old messages is like a ritual now. If I don't read them one day then I don't feel comfortable. I will do hanuman Chalisa 8 times. Hopefully that will get god to give me back my M*****. I can't stand the thought of him being with somebody else. He told me that he wouldn't have time for a girlfriend. I really hope that that is the case and he is not just saying that. Hopefully one day when he is back in London he will contact me. I want him to want to see me. I am really sounding psycho. I never knew I would ever get like this. I don't like it but this is how it is now. Until he is back in my life I will not be the same old me again.

Post 21

YES, I love M*****.  I never told him but yes, I fell in love with him instantly. I lam literally unable to live without him. Which is why I'm planning for my death to be soon. I know I shouldn't plan these things but I'm finding it hard to just text him and tell him my True feelings . On one hand, hecould say 'I miss you too' but I really feel like he would say 'move on M****. I have'. That would push me over the edge. I would do everything in my power to wipe myself off the face of the Earth. I am trying to avoid every chance of him ever seeing me as a crazy psycho ex girlfriend. I am crazy about him. I love him so much. So much it hurts. I will wait for him forever. But whatever isn't a long time in my case. How do I get him back? I am always Reading through our old conversations.  About how he wanted to take me to MoMo's, Tate and V&A. How we used to ask each other questions constantly and we got to know each other so fast.

Post 20

I don't know what's going on. People who I considered my friends are actually not. And people who I kept the distance from are proving themselves as real friends. Like J***** and E*****.  Absolutely wonderful people who care about my wellbeing. I can really tell them anything.

G***** is slightly obnoxious these days. He is getting on my nerves. My mind is constantly on M***** P*****! It's nearly been a year. And I want him back. I need him back. The only person I want now. I pray that God will give him back to me.

I am in so much pain. I just want him back. Should I wait for him to contact me? What is he has a new girlfriend ( even though he told me you wouldn't have time for me as it is). I am scared that he has plans for Valentines day. I want him to message me. I want to know that he is still thinking about me.

Post 19

I know that I am the biggest waste of life that one may never meet. And my parents try to get me to meet these guys are marriage. I guess that they know that I am in capable of love too. They could be the nicest guys ever ( even though they don't look it) marriage is not to show how illegible one was or is. If not for replication. People don't understand that this would be a person I would have to spend my life with. This whole day, I haven't been able to stop thinking about M*****. And how this is all his fault, because he left me.

I know around a lot about my parents but I do love them. They gave me life,they fed me, bathed me, looked after me all till I was 18. When I feel like going against what I say I remember all these things. Almost brainwashed. I almost feel guilty. I don't want to feel guilty for the rest of my life. I love you Mum and Dad. Even though I don't say it. Thank you for everything you did for me. It can come to an end now. As tonight, I have decided to OD. Goodbye to my brother and all my friends. But that break up literally killed me. ACTUALLY, YOU ALL KILLED ME!

Post 18

I didn't think I would see this day. 2014. The new year. I actually didn't want to be around for this. It's New Years day in a spent the day watching a reality show about a family that actually care about each other. I am f****** jealous of the Kardashians. No offence to them but, come on. What do I do?

Maybe I need to go to The Wishing Well. Is it stupid that I think that is the answer?

Post 17

Why does no one care that I have 3 bloody courses to get through? They want me to learn how to drive but when I try to sit down and study all I hear is 'M****!' no one else thinks, 'oh well M**** is studying so maybe I should put the clothes away'. Why is it that just because they are men they can do what they want but I can't study? When I try to study I get there 'I could be dead' speech. If I was at home for university, I would have failed a long time ago. Why should I care about them if they don't care about me? Does anyone love me purely? Does anyone care?

Post 16

I can never imagine the day a man get down on one knee and propose to me. I don't know why. I just don't know it's going to happen. I can't picture it. I don't think I'll even make it is that point in my life. I will die long before then. Now thats M***** has gone I have given up on that possibility. Nearly a year ago and I'm still not over him. I still try to look for him at Wembley Park Station.  Don't get me wrong. David is amazing. But he hasn't even told me that I'm beautiful. Plus I don't deserve it. And can I actually marry him? I am ready to let this life go. I can't do this anymore. There is no 1 to look at me with loving lifesaving eyes. No 1 who would risk it all for me. It's not written in the books for me.

A lot of things are better left unsaid. But they can be written, right? Life is way too difficult. I understand that these obstacles are tests but I am losing. I don't feel good about myself anymore. I wish someone could tell me that it is all going to get better. Or at least tell me when is a good time to kill myself. What pills to take and how many.

And what's up with the parents? Seriously. I am getting guilt trips that make me feel like I should completely give up everything I want to do and be their slave. But that will bring me One Step Closer to death . I will kill myself soon. I don't want it to be sooner. Does that make sense?

And I am trying to answer my dads questions when he just walks away. I don't understand. Why ask questions and not listen to the answers? I want to study. I can't do that if I'm stuck down stairs all the time. I am not doing anything bad. So why are they making me feel bad? See even knows I was studying. And still I got there 'I could be dying' speech. ( I failed that test by the way). Nothing is good enough. If this was the 1940s I would have been sold by then by now..

( I'm sorry Mum and Dad. I love you guys. I swear.) this last has messed me up so bad.