tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-76355784877849518042024-03-13T09:08:58.307-07:00SkywritingSkin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-91483779123094957042015-07-02T13:47:00.001-07:002015-07-02T13:47:41.808-07:00Post 22<p dir="ltr">PURPLE. This was both our favourite colour. I remember when he wanted to buy a place in Hammersmith for Finchley. he wanted to decorate the place purple and white. I need this man back. God. Please. Give him that. </p>
<p dir="ltr">M***** is my life right now and I don't know who to tell or how to tell them. I keep dreaming about the moment that he would come back into my life. In one nightmare, he had a new girlfriend. I keep this pain locked up inside of me the man that I want to spend my life with is oblivious to how I feel about him. Does he love me? I will pay all the money in the world to have him back. He is my breath, my heart, my entire reason for living. The only reason I am still alive is because there is a fifty percent chance I can have him back, and he will be my husband. I must fight for him. I am fighting every day for him. With my feelings. Trying to go through the day without anyone noticing my pain. I have an urge to call and text M*****, but I have that fear of finding out that he has moved on. Reading through the old messages is like a ritual now. If I don't read them one day then I don't feel comfortable. I will do hanuman Chalisa 8 times. Hopefully that will get god to give me back my M*****. I can't stand the thought of him being with somebody else. He told me that he wouldn't have time for a girlfriend. I really hope that that is the case and he is not just saying that. Hopefully one day when he is back in London he will contact me. I want him to want to see me. I am really sounding psycho. I never knew I would ever get like this. I don't like it but this is how it is now. Until he is back in my life I will not be the same old me again.</p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-66231741939733061212015-07-02T13:30:00.001-07:002015-07-02T13:30:26.133-07:00Post 21<p dir="ltr">YES, I love M*****. I never told him but yes, I fell in love with him instantly. I lam literally unable to live without him. Which is why I'm planning for my death to be soon. I know I shouldn't plan these things but I'm finding it hard to just text him and tell him my True feelings . On one hand, hecould say 'I miss you too' but I really feel like he would say 'move on M****. I have'. That would push me over the edge. I would do everything in my power to wipe myself off the face of the Earth. I am trying to avoid every chance of him ever seeing me as a crazy psycho ex girlfriend. I am crazy about him. I love him so much. So much it hurts. I will wait for him forever. But whatever isn't a long time in my case. How do I get him back? I am always Reading through our old conversations. About how he wanted to take me to MoMo's, Tate and V&A. How we used to ask each other questions constantly and we got to know each other so fast. </p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-16089491461442358142015-07-02T13:18:00.001-07:002015-07-02T13:18:57.890-07:00Post 20<p dir="ltr">I don't know what's going on. People who I considered my friends are actually not. And people who I kept the distance from are proving themselves as real friends. Like J***** and E*****.  Absolutely wonderful people who care about my wellbeing. I can really tell them anything.</p>
<p dir="ltr">G***** is slightly obnoxious these days. He is getting on my nerves. My mind is constantly on M***** P*****! It's nearly been a year. And I want him back. I need him back. The only person I want now. I pray that God will give him back to me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I am in so much pain. I just want him back. Should I wait for him to contact me? What is he has a new girlfriend ( even though he told me you wouldn't have time for me as it is). I am scared that he has plans for Valentines day. I want him to message me. I want to know that he is still thinking about me.</p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-24002422045267666622015-07-02T13:07:00.001-07:002015-07-02T13:07:39.857-07:00Post 19<p dir="ltr">I know that I am the biggest waste of life that one may never meet. And my parents try to get me to meet these guys are marriage. I guess that they know that I am in capable of love too. They could be the nicest guys ever ( even though they don't look it) marriage is not to show how illegible one was or is. If not for replication. People don't understand that this would be a person I would have to spend my life with. This whole day, I haven't been able to stop thinking about M*****. And how this is all his fault, because he left me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">I know around a lot about my parents but I do love them. They gave me life,they fed me, bathed me, looked after me all till I was 18. When I feel like going against what I say I remember all these things. Almost brainwashed. I almost feel guilty. I don't want to feel guilty for the rest of my life. I love you Mum and Dad. Even though I don't say it. Thank you for everything you did for me. It can come to an end now. As tonight, I have decided to OD. Goodbye to my brother and all my friends. But that break up literally killed me. ACTUALLY, YOU ALL KILLED ME!</p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-29737606637383375892015-07-02T12:50:00.001-07:002015-07-02T12:50:32.994-07:00 Post 18<p dir="ltr">I didn't think I would see this day. 2014. The new year. I actually didn't want to be around for this. It's New Years day in a spent the day watching a reality show about a family that actually care about each other. I am f****** jealous of the Kardashians. No offence to them but, come on. What do I do?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Maybe I need to go to The Wishing Well. Is it stupid that I think that is the answer?</p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-16733239483521720742015-07-02T12:46:00.001-07:002015-07-02T12:47:15.988-07:00Post 17<p dir="ltr">Why does no one care that I have 3 bloody courses to get through? They want me to learn how to drive but when I try to sit down and study all I hear is 'M****!' no one else thinks, 'oh well M**** is studying so maybe I should put the clothes away'. Why is it that just because they are men they can do what they want but I can't study? When I try to study I get there 'I could be dead' speech. If I was at home for university, I would have failed a long time ago. Why should I care about them if they don't care about me? Does anyone love me purely? Does anyone care? </p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-54021996586949707832015-07-02T12:41:00.001-07:002015-07-02T12:41:28.758-07:00Post 16<p dir="ltr">I can never imagine the day a man get down on one knee and propose to me. I don't know why. I just don't know it's going to happen. I can't picture it. I don't think I'll even make it is that point in my life. I will die long before then. Now thats M***** has gone I have given up on that possibility. Nearly a year ago and I'm still not over him. I still try to look for him at Wembley Park Station. Don't get me wrong. David is amazing. But he hasn't even told me that I'm beautiful. Plus I don't deserve it. And can I actually marry him? I am ready to let this life go. I can't do this anymore. There is no 1 to look at me with loving lifesaving eyes. No 1 who would risk it all for me. It's not written in the books for me.</p>
<p dir="ltr">A lot of things are better left unsaid. But they can be written, right? Life is way too difficult. I understand that these obstacles are tests but I am losing. I don't feel good about myself anymore. I wish someone could tell me that it is all going to get better. Or at least tell me when is a good time to kill myself. What pills to take and how many.</p>
<p dir="ltr">And what's up with the parents? Seriously. I am getting guilt trips that make me feel like I should completely give up everything I want to do and be their slave. But that will bring me One Step Closer to death . I will kill myself soon. I don't want it to be sooner. Does that make sense? </p>
<p dir="ltr">And I am trying to answer my dads questions when he just walks away. I don't understand. Why ask questions and not listen to the answers? I want to study. I can't do that if I'm stuck down stairs all the time. I am not doing anything bad. So why are they making me feel bad? See even knows I was studying. And still I got there 'I could be dying' speech. ( I failed that test by the way). Nothing is good enough. If this was the 1940s I would have been sold by then by now..</p>
<p dir="ltr">( I'm sorry Mum and Dad. I love you guys. I swear.) this last has messed me up so bad.</p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-6302040782703655612015-07-02T12:23:00.001-07:002015-07-02T12:23:39.649-07:00Post 15<p dir="ltr">All this time, I have felt so alone. But today, I scream LEAVE ME ALONE. I feel forced into doing everything I don't want to do. I also do not like getting caught in the middle of things. But somehow I always end up there. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I know when my parents fight, I gave nothing to do with it. But for some reason, I can't help but feel something was my fault. If there was something they wanted me to do they wouldn't offer a reward in the end. I would get guilted in to doing it. Yes, it teaches me to be more family orientated but I have lost myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm too scared to do anything for myself. I've noticed something in the battles between Mum and Dad. They are both right. One can be more correct than the other but it's how they deal with the matter that is so wrong. Screaming, cursing, insulting. It's stupid and childish. So juvenile.<br>
</p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-89774618577763007632015-07-02T12:10:00.001-07:002015-07-02T12:10:59.748-07:00Post 14<p dir="ltr">I don't know who is reading this right now, but if I've hurt you, I am so sorry. I just needed control over one thing. All it was, was my breath.</p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-61335120091382897982015-07-02T12:02:00.001-07:002015-07-02T12:02:54.478-07:00Post 13<p dir="ltr">Is is weird that S***** just saved my life right now? He said 'Babe, I told you I'd never let you fall. I'll always catch you.' Those two sentences literally saved my from slitting my throat. Maybe he is the one I'll marry. I don't know. I think it's about time the family know about my illness and that I should move out. </p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-64087025777424703642015-07-02T11:52:00.003-07:002015-07-02T11:52:39.760-07:00Post 12<p dir="ltr">Am I worth saving?</p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-26199590761961158712015-07-02T11:52:00.001-07:002015-07-02T11:52:16.888-07:00Post 11<p dir="ltr">I keep thinking a lot about how love was never in my destiny. I fall in love with people that don't love me and I keep getting hurt. I don't know what funny game god is playing with me by bringing these people into my life in the first place. I wish my future was a lot more clear. Who should I keep in my life? And who should I not? Who loves me? Who am I wasting my time with? Who is capable of loving me? Does love exist? I think I should let J** go. Let him have what he wants and then completely cut him out of my life. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I want the man I marry to be my best friend. Is that so much to ask? M***** is gone now. He was one of those 'ins and outs' that made me weaker. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I want thereto be a part of my life that I can look back on and say that I was genuinely happy. </p>
<p dir="ltr">The end is near for me. Perhaps after new years, I shall end my journey! In January, my life needs to change, or end. It's obvious that my life is not woth living . </p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-75829420345584094272015-07-02T11:37:00.001-07:002015-07-02T11:37:57.655-07:00Post 10<p dir="ltr">I feel so shit and it's making me dizzy. A lot of people don't deserve all the good things that are happening to them. I need an escape. I want someone to love me. When did that become too much to ask for? When did it become something I had to ask for? Am I that unlovable? </p>
<p dir="ltr"> NO ONE LOVES ME. I'M UGLY AND FAT! And this is my life. ME, ALONE. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I'M ALL ALONE. HELP!!</p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-8861371164853197932015-06-07T13:31:00.001-07:002015-07-02T11:32:31.305-07:00Post 9<p dir="ltr">Does anyone know what I should do? Who deals with cases like mine? I don't know how to tell my mum that she makes me want to kill myself? That would break her heart. How to explain to my father, that as much as I do love him, I can't show it because I can't feel love? How do I feel pain without feeling love? Or feeling loved?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Well,I have felt love. From who? M*****, my friends, my colleagues and OMG N****. He loves me to the moon. But I have to push him away just because of religion. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I did my cuts. Might do more. I find it easier when I look into the eyes of my H****** R***** poster. Because I cut for love. </p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-35581738164002011642015-06-07T13:29:00.001-07:002015-06-07T13:29:09.646-07:00Post 8<p dir="ltr">Dear,</p>
<p dir="ltr">Well who ever is reading this. </p>
<p dir="ltr">If this is me in the future, I can hopefully assume that you are happy where you are. Hopefully found the guts to move out. In which case, you probably have someone in your life. I don't know who it is but this guy better be treating you like a queen and have a world of respect. </p>
<p dir="ltr">If this is someone else? Am I alive? Is it worth being saved? </p>
<p dir="ltr">I'm a walking corpse. I am dead. But damn, I'm a good actress. I don't know how I smile and interact at work. It's a challenge. But I actually enjoy work. I am out of the house. Doing things, learning things, hanging out with my friends. It's like my colleagues are my other family. I trust them a lot more than my own family. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I need to move out. I need to be alive again. I cry on the bus to work, on my lunch break and on my way home. I cry at home. I cry in my sleep. I am so unhappy. Why must anyone live like this? </p>
<p dir="ltr">A day will come where I will swallow a whole bunch of pills and I will die. I just want to say goodbye properly to my friends.</p>
<p dir="ltr">See everyone one last time. </p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-47306752539967136532015-06-07T13:18:00.001-07:002015-06-07T13:20:22.634-07:00Post 7<p dir="ltr">Is it ok to wish for Price Charming? Of course. But does one find such a man who had everything but isn't arrogant about it? Someone who is open about their feelings. Someone who doesn't believe in belittling the woman they're with. Where does one meet this person? When will my luck change? </p>
<p dir="ltr">I lost this really handsome and nicr guy as a prospective  because hanging out in the evening wasn't exactly ( what's the word)... possible. Why must I suffer through the list of reasons why men can't be with me? One reason being my lack of freedom. I have so much anxiety building up inside me. It's not fair. </p>
<p dir="ltr">What's going on? There may be a cut tonight. I'm sick of all these reasons to not be with me. I don't know why this is happening to me. </p>
<p dir="ltr">HELP!  I'm suffering. I've done nothing wrong.  </p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-27637998911674216242015-06-07T13:10:00.001-07:002015-06-07T13:10:07.354-07:00Post 6<p dir="ltr">So yesterday I called N***, he answered and I didn't say a word. I wanted to know if he could feel my presence. Guess what? He texted me that night. How weird is that? That was my sign. My sign to keep breathing. Maybe I should go to the Wishing Well. Maybe that was a sign. Who's will I meet? Or will it lead to something else?</p>
<p dir="ltr">I don't know why buy seeing other couples really annoys me. I hate seeing happy couples. It makes slitting my wrists seem like a day at the spa. </p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-40726398929475765232015-06-07T12:57:00.001-07:002015-06-07T13:06:10.426-07:00Post 5<p dir="ltr">I am curious as to whether someone would be willing to fight for me. Not as in physically fight (as amazing as that would be) but to do what that can by breaking the rules just to spend 5 mins with me. Am I not worth that fight? </p>
<p dir="ltr">For some reason,  I just want to step away from my phone. I want to see who would notice. Who would try to get in touch and who would realise that I'm not around (my phone).</p>
<p dir="ltr">Would people worry? Would I be missed? I want to disappear to a different country and be  free but I would crave male loving attention. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am suffering and I can feel myself crying on the inside. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Is it my religion? Am I being punished for not being religious? For eating meat, drinking and getting drunk? Should I quit? It's the only thing that makes me relax. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Where is my Hrithik? Where is my Tyrese? Is fate real? How do I get this mistery man to fall in love with me? How do I find a man decent enough to ask my parents permission to take me out? I state at my phone all the time expecting some miracle to happen. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I really feel it is the end of my life now. I need a sign to tell me if I should keep breathing or not. I have written so many suicide notes, suicide letters, and my own brother has seen it first hand. Dare I try again? </p>
<p dir="ltr">I dare! </p>
<p dir="ltr">Will I wake up tomorrow? I probably will. In which case, I'm sorry. I'm sorry you still living to read all this back. I hope you are happy now!!</p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-80165570402781417732015-06-07T12:38:00.001-07:002015-06-07T12:38:47.411-07:00Post 4<p dir="ltr">I am wondering if I should take notice of signs that I am noticing. Or is it all just a coincidence? I took a different bus route today. I took the 398. In my music, I was listening to Lately by Tyrese. There is a line in there that says 'I'll be your wishing well. Tell me what you want'. As that song was playing, the bus drove past a place (I think it was a shop) called 'The wishing well'. <br>
A part of me thinks that I should go in there and I will meet my future husband. Another part of me thinks how stupid all this sounds. </p>
<p dir="ltr">My uncle rang two people before he passed away. Both calls went to voicemail. I think my life will be like thay too. Where I cry for help but no one will be willing to run to me, let alone run to answer the phone. What I'd that one call was my last call to you? Would you feel responsible for my death? </p>
<p dir="ltr">I don't know why I have to guilt people into loving me. I don't really know who my real friends are. Who would run? </p>
<p dir="ltr">I just called N*** on private number. He answered. I hung up. Can he sense it was me?</p>
<p dir="ltr">I don't know why I expect people to have this 6th sense that they should know everything I am feeling. Gosh, what is wrong with me??</p>
<p dir="ltr">He sounded busy. So I don't think he would give it a second thought. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Do I ever cross your mind? Do you think about me? Do you care if im alive or not? Who would miss me? How long will it take till you give up on me? </p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-36710718816511972492015-06-07T08:52:00.001-07:002015-06-07T12:25:32.587-07:00Post 3<p dir="ltr">I don't know what my fate is now. But I wish it not to be like this.  Sitting at home on a Friday night while all my distant friends are out. I am here suffering, Facebook stalking and torturing myself as I write down my pains and sorrows. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am also unsure of what I am after in terms of attention.  For some reason, I just want people to know how I feel just by looking at me ( or looking at my arm).</p>
<p dir="ltr">Why can't my own family not feel my pain? Does my own mother know my life plans?<br>
She only talks to me if she wants something done. Why traise me to be independent if you want me to live in the kitchen like every other depressed housewife.<br>
I don't think I would be a depressed housewife because there's a difference between wanting to do something nice for somebody I care about and doing something because I am being forced to. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Friday and Saturday nights are the hardest because I know all my friends are out having fun and I am stuck at home.  I don't want people to know that I don't have a life.</p>
<p dir="ltr">Is my life the only thing I have control of? <br>
Why do I have urges to shave my head?<br>
Why do I have so many questions and why can I not find the answers?<br>
Why am I looking for somewhere else to live knowing that I can't move out?</p>
<p dir="ltr">My life remains confusing. I just have to breath and get on with it. But what relaxes me is knowing that I can just stop breathing. As a living corpse, I am half way there. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I have noticed that I get so pissed off with men. Random men, strangers who aren't chivalrous. Men who allow women to stand on a train or bus as they sit comfortably is mortifying. </p>
<p dir="ltr">Who would care if I passed away? And how long would it take till they just moved on from my death? I will just be a name within a couple of <u>months</u>. I don't think anyone loves me for it to effect anyone. What would be done for my rememberence? And would the people I consider close make time for me in my death? Maybe for a year or two but eventually, I will be forgotten. </p>
<p dir="ltr">There are parts of me that want to grab a piece of broke glass and just squeeze it till I bleed. I want the gay paramedic I had that dat to be around all the time to tell my parents to stop fighting while I cry. No one cares about making me feel better. It's all about placing blame. I don't know who will read this or if anyone will read it at all. But if someone is, please save me, before its too late. </p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-30324858393832651202015-06-03T12:33:00.001-07:002015-06-03T12:33:30.936-07:00Post 2<p dir="ltr">I pray and look forward to the day when a man proposes to me. But I also feel like that day will never come. I feel like people look at me like an object. I am unable to hold my head up when I walk on the street. But then how can I attract a man without a confident stature? Do guys even like shy and naive girls as wives? I would love my life to be like a Bollywood movie; where a guy would look at me with such loving eyes. Eyes that look like he is so in love that he could cry. And he would die without him holding me close in his arms. Does that exist? Because I am dying without this man in my arms right now and I don't even know who he is. </p>
<p dir="ltr">I am literally dying. With these suicide attempts, I don't want to leave this world without at least meeting this man that I am destined to be with. Have I already met him? Am I dating him now? It he an ex?</p>
<p dir="ltr">From the amount of times I have won short sleeves, only G***** noticed my cuts. I don't even know how he saw the smaller ones as apposed to the large one. Would him knowing about my depression scare him off? Does he still like me?</p>
<p dir="ltr">Is all this catching up with me because I haven't cut myself in a while? I am suddenly obsessed with death. When my nan died, I wished it was me, not her. She deserved to live longer, and I don't even want to be around.</p>
Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7635578487784951804.post-44596380987029596302015-06-03T09:22:00.000-07:002015-06-03T09:22:12.886-07:00Post 1THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT THE RAIN TODAY THAT MADE ME JUST WANT TO STAY OUT THERE AND CRY.<br />
I don't know if it was because the rain could disguise my tears. Or maybe it had a movie influence. Me, out there, without an umbrella, getting wet was slightly freeing and relaxing. But I wish I was alone, in a field or a park, where I can scream just to get it all out of my system.<br />
<br />
I've spent all of my life looking for that one person that can make me happy, make me smile. I am constantly looking for signs that the universe might be giving me. Looking at the people around me to see if they are looking at me.<br />
<br />
This is where the confusing bit comes. Are they looking at me because they like me and how I look? Or are the judging me and looking at me as if I am ugly or damaged goods?Skin and MakeUphttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09609701852941173399noreply@blogger.com