Post 16

I can never imagine the day a man get down on one knee and propose to me. I don't know why. I just don't know it's going to happen. I can't picture it. I don't think I'll even make it is that point in my life. I will die long before then. Now thats M***** has gone I have given up on that possibility. Nearly a year ago and I'm still not over him. I still try to look for him at Wembley Park Station.  Don't get me wrong. David is amazing. But he hasn't even told me that I'm beautiful. Plus I don't deserve it. And can I actually marry him? I am ready to let this life go. I can't do this anymore. There is no 1 to look at me with loving lifesaving eyes. No 1 who would risk it all for me. It's not written in the books for me.

A lot of things are better left unsaid. But they can be written, right? Life is way too difficult. I understand that these obstacles are tests but I am losing. I don't feel good about myself anymore. I wish someone could tell me that it is all going to get better. Or at least tell me when is a good time to kill myself. What pills to take and how many.

And what's up with the parents? Seriously. I am getting guilt trips that make me feel like I should completely give up everything I want to do and be their slave. But that will bring me One Step Closer to death . I will kill myself soon. I don't want it to be sooner. Does that make sense?

And I am trying to answer my dads questions when he just walks away. I don't understand. Why ask questions and not listen to the answers? I want to study. I can't do that if I'm stuck down stairs all the time. I am not doing anything bad. So why are they making me feel bad? See even knows I was studying. And still I got there 'I could be dying' speech. ( I failed that test by the way). Nothing is good enough. If this was the 1940s I would have been sold by then by now..

( I'm sorry Mum and Dad. I love you guys. I swear.) this last has messed me up so bad.